Light of Awareness International Spiritual Family
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December 1998  ~  Volume 2, Number 1

Happy Holidays!

Audrey's Message

    Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years arrive closely together with flurries of activities and festivities that signify the end of the old year and the beginning of the new year. While we may be hurriedly dashing about roasting the turkey, trimming the Christmas tree, or planning the New Year's Eve party, the spiritual family will have much to celebrate in quiet, inner reflection. We thank God and express our appreciation for all of the incredible changes in our lives which have brought us deeper love, compassion and understanding of ourselves and of others. As we celebrate the holidays, may we be in remembrance of our brothers and sisters throughout the world who suffer from hunger, lack of shelter and basic necessities, and who are lonely, and in need of love. Let us remember them in our hearts, prayers and meditations, and let us share whenever and wherever we can. We praise God in this newsletter by sharing beautiful real life stories which speak of transformation through the power of God's Love. May these testimonials give those who read them hope, encouragement and faith that all things are possible with God. No matter what painful or harrowing experience you may be going through, know that you are not alone, and that God loves you. May God bless you and your loved ones with infinite joy and peace during this holiday season, and always.

Val Valentine Gary Barlough
Leni Davis Ted Kanamori
Cathy Oda Cherub playing flute

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Val Valentine's Testimony
Val Valentine

Val Valentine of the Townsville, Australia Spiritual Family

    I first met Divine Mother in October 1990 when I was forty-six years of age. Peter, my husband, had met her when he was in Honolulu in May 1990. Upon returning home to Australia, he told me of her. His behavior was so changed from his previous ways, that I wanted to meet her and thank her for all she had done for him and hence me and our family.
     My life at this time was one of confusion and pain as I tried to keep going when all around me the known support were disintegrating. My parents had died, our family farm had been sold, my health was in ruins, and I realized that the political career I had worked so hard at was not satisfying. Most importantly, I was having to face the fact that my husband of twenty-two years, who I had always believed in, supported and loved, had led a double life for several years while being in the midst of a traumatic time. I was heartbroken, exhausted and so terribly hurt by events that had overtaken myself and our family.
     I realize now that many times before life had not made much sense, but there were plenty of things to do, to be and to try to achieve. Distractions to get involved with and lost in on the outside world, so I could just keep on going. Looking back now, I appreciate how lonely and afraid I was. I had always tried to please, to do a good job, to work hard and be good, and felt it was all my fault when things didn't work out the way I desired and felt was the best way. I must have done something wrong or not tried hard enough. What was I doing wrong? Why had it all gone so bad? I had tried so hard to be a good wife and mother and worked so hard to help build a good life for our family. Nothing made sense and I was hurting so much.
     The week I spent with Divine Mother completely changed my life. It was a new beginning which brought to me a renewal to live, and love, and feel secure and peaceful, and to see the world in a totally new way. When I met Divine Mother I felt totally loved and secure and I just wanted to be with her. I felt Divine Mother loved me and understood me better than anyone else in the world. She talked to me and meditated with me, and I felt so peaceful with her. I fell in love with her, and as this love has grown I have found more and more joy within myself. Tears of love and joy come to my eyes when I think of Divine Mother and feel her Love pouring out to us all, all the time.
     Looking back I now know I had felt her Love before, during times of bleakness in my life when at my limits I'd turned in and ask God for help. I so clearly recall one morning in October 1990, seated with Divine Mother at her dining table. She was talking with me. Sometimes I could not understand her words, and later I was told that Divine Mother had mentioned she had trouble understanding my accent too, but spirit and love go heart to heart. Divine Mother got up from the table and refilled my coffee cup and in that second I knew with a knowing I've never doubted as it is a part of my being, that here was the source of love that had held and supported me all my life.
     Divine Mother asked us to know her in spirit. Divine Mother is the guide to take us back to our divine, inner self. Since 1992 I have had the opportunity to feel Divine Mother's unconditional Love. This provided the courage and security I so desperately needed to hold in there, especially in March 1997, when in confusion and denial I did not want to look at the past. Divine Mother walked every inch of the way with me, so I could go there, look, and be free! The enormous magnitude of this gift of love keeps growing as my life unfolds and awarenesses continue to come.
     Looking at my life and close relationships I have seen how lonely and lost I, and my loved ones, have been, with all the focus on the outside external world, and unable to fully live and express our love for each other. I have been able to acknowledge a marriage that was on the surface reasonable, but deep down was painful and hurtful and one in which my husband had so many secrets that true closeness was not possible. Divine Mother's Love has enabled me to look at my family history, not to blame, but to understand, and see how the chains of family behavior go from generation to generation as people are so shut down and lonely. In this I have found it necessary to face a lot of grief, pain and anger, at, and for, myself, husband, children and parents. Through God's grace, this has brought such a greater depth of understanding and feeling of love and compassion for us all. There is also much joy and a sense of freedom in living now, and the fear of being abandoned is gone, for I know that God's Love is always there within.
     I have realized that the relationship with our children in their formative years was lacking and Peter and I are not only re-building our relationship, but are re-building our family. We have never been happier as a couple. The barriers are down and gone and we delight in a marriage that has a shared spiritual foundation which provides us with such happiness and support. We are learning to respect the feelings of our girls and encouraging them to be open with us. In this more secure environment they are responding, and we have never been closer as a family.
     Using the tools that we have been shown and given by Divine Mother, I now live life daily coming from within, making God first. In the past, wanting the outcome of a "happy family" so much I was such an enabler and also controller, and didn't realize that love is respect for yourself as well as for others. I try to be more clear in my interactions with people now so there are less misunderstandings. When I fall down, as I find some old habits do indeed die hard—I don't beat myself up so much, but offer it to Divine Mother, and go forward secure in her Love with thanks. Any validity I need is within me—for I know what my life was like before Divine Mother, and I know the love and joy I feel now.
     I will never be able to thank Divine Mother enough for all the changes that have occurred in my life. I sing and dance inside with joy. I praise and thank God every day for all the grace. Thank you Divine Mother for your unconditional Love, for turning me back inward. I feel more alive, joyful and grateful than at any time in my life. To have had the opportunity of being with Divine Mother is the greatest gift of Love and grace possible. My deepest wish is to support Divine Mother in every way possible as she shines this pure Love to the world which is crying out for this beautiful way to live here and now.

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Gary Barlough's Testimony
Gary Barlough

Gary Barlough of the  Los Angeles Spiritual Family

    During my childhood I remember having very loving parents, and very creative desires and inspirations. My brother and I could and would make just about anything we could think of to make. As I grew older I remember that this closeness to something inside slowly grew farther and farther away.
     I was raised Catholic, attending Catholic grade school, taught primarily by nuns, and then Catholic high school, taught mostly by Jesuit priests. Though I had great respect for these institutions, I left there in search of myself and in search of God. There were many teachings, and beautiful words, but nowhere did I feel the clear Light of God touch me beyond all words.
     As I stumbled through my first year of college, a pre-law major, I came to realize that the vibration of music truly touched my heart, beyond all words, and so I took refuge there. I learned everything about music, from the outside-in. After fighting my desire to get a degree in the arts, my parents began to trust my inner desires because I trusted them. They sent me to the best music school within their means.
     Upon graduating, I entered the world with a desire to give-out, yet I found myself slowly getting lost, time and again, in distractions that took me nowhere. I ventured every sidewalk route I could navigate, from going-nowhere relationships, to completely supporting other musicians, and becoming a very capable producer, yet never even playing a note of music from my own heart for them. I was disabled by fear and I did not even know it—imagine being blind and thinking you can see.
     In 1988, upon walking into Divine Mother's presence, I knew that I was feeling something that I had never felt before, that all of God's calling cards had led me to her feet. They led to this simple woman, so completely humble and to a simple meditation, to listening to God, instead of asking for things from the confusion of my mind. I began to realize that the "inspirations" I had felt and followed all my life had slipped in while I wasn't thinking, let alone watching. They were the times I had been caught listening!
     Divine Mother told me to get a particular book about the life of Sri Ramakrishna, and to read it, and then I would know her. I read the book, and I really knew. Yet I never fully appreciated the opportunity I had, and I really did not know that anything was broken inside. I thought I was doing well. She hinted to me on a number occasions that I could be doing much more than I was doing in life, but I kept running away.
     In 1996, I found myself in a relationship that was mutually very destructive. I had tried to find myself in the eyes of others for years, now I was in a relationship where the other person believed in me, so I would not have to. Further, I was not assertive, nor kind to myself, so the relationship began to completely dominate my life. I felt as if I was drowning.
     I am the luckiest person in the world, for Divine Mother was right there to give of herself freely to so many of us. During a one-on-one meditation she very quickly sent the Light into a very lost and dark consciousness. I had become accustomed to years of various distractions, one right after another, one replacing the other. When one was used up, I would feel empty, and look for another. This search was for my own self-esteem and was a never-ending one because I was doing it on the outside, trying to find it from individuals who would raise my self-esteem rather than finding it from within, in my own Godself. I could see the beauty in other people's music, and could easily help to finish theirs, but I saw no beauty in the music which came from within me. I had no faith in my own music which came from within me. I had no faith in my own music. I could not even finish a song. At one point in a one-on-one meditation, I saw Divine Mother playfully dancing on a pond, and she jumped in the pond, but she had to coax me into acting by saying, "Don't you want to jump in also?" How stuck on the sidelines in life I was! Petrified by layers upon layers of fear, and negative self-talk.
     Then the Light shot in! I am so grateful to Divine Mother, for she truly knew my heart. She invited me to give-out at the August Celebration in 1996, 1997, and 1998 by singing original songs. She wasted no time at all, and cleared years of distortions in a few short months.
     It has now been two years since that time, and my life is a complete reversal of the running game that had plagued my life. Through God's grace, I was able to let go of that destructive relationship. I am no longer attracted to someone to lean upon. Music and lyrics flow freely, and I feel functional. I can give-out without being afraid of judgments from myself or others. I am closer to my parents and brother than ever before, and for the first time in twenty years, we all live in the same town and see each other every week. I have much further to go and difficult situations arise, but my ability to move through them in peace has dramatically risen.
     My first focus is God, and from there life flows. I have found that all inspirations are truly from divine Love. They are guiding rays, and that the greatest ray of that love I have ever felt is flowing from Divine Mother. Thank you, Divine Mother, for giving unconditionally so that Divine Mother's Light, the pure Love of God, can flow out to help so many people. I am truly blessed, and I know this Light is meant for the world.

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Leni Davis's Testimony
Leni Davis

Leni Davis of the Honolulu Spiritual Family

     Praising God is the only way I can give thanks for the miracles in my life. It is such a joyful occasion to be given the opportunity to show my deep gratitude for what Divine Mother has done for me.
     When I met Divine Mother ten years ago, I was the fearful product of an abusive childhood. I thought I was shy. I did not know that I was terrified of being found out. I was hiding my feelings of deep inadequacy, inferiority, low self-esteem and a sense of never being good enough. Additionally, I was covering up the dysfunctions in my family. My deepest secrets were certain acts committed by family members which, I feared, would reflect on me and, if discovered, would get me ostracized. My fear was buried so deep that I could not feel it. I lived life numb and frozen inside.
     I was afraid and terrified that others would discover how unworthy I was and I would be rejected. This reflected in all areas of my life and my deep fear of rejection did not allow me to respect myself. I let people walk all over me, the way I had been walked over in my childhood. The only emotion that remained in me was anger and I was not even aware of that.
     As an adult and a parent, this anger came out at the most inappropriate times in the most inappropriate ways, and I repeated the abusive patterns of my family, hurting my children and especially the eldest, my daughter Tatou. I felt very inadequate and helpless as a parent, and anger was my cover.
     Thanks to Divine Mother who gave us the intensives, a year ago in April, Tatou became aware of her own anger and rage towards me because of the way I had treated her. At first, I was in complete denial, totally unaware of what I had done. I could not even remember the events she was describing. Through Divine Mother's guidance and God's grace, I was able to do the self-examination and to get in touch with my own feelings of loneliness, isolation and despair as a child, and with the deep hurt and sense of betrayal I had because my mother never protected me from my father. Then, thanks to the grace, I began to feel for Tatou and to become aware of the hurt and abuse I inflicted on her. I realized that she felt totally abandoned, alone and unprotected as a little girl with no hope to see any change ever, and that she was full of rage because of my lack of understanding and of the unfair and violent treatment I had inflicted on her. I was able to repent (I am still repenting) and our relationship began to heal. Tatou could accept my apologies.
     We started communicating. She can share with me and feel heard, acknowledged and loved. We are now so close, and she is my best friend. My compassion for her is growing and she feels understood. After staying away from Honolulu for eight years because she could not stand being in my home, she said that she is now comfortable in my apartment and that she feels welcome and happy here. She has now totally forgiven me for what happened between us and she is even thankful because, through all this, she and Sudhir, (Tatou's husband), have been introduced to Divine Mother. She wants me to forgive myself and not to hurt myself. Her transformation has allowed me to forgive myself, I can now love myself. We are both very thankful to Divine Mother for this new relationship which is more intimate, loving, truthful and joyful than we could ever imagine. Without Divine Mother's tender guidance every step of the way, none of this could have taken place.
     These changes have transpired into the rest of my life; I can now speak the truth in the moment. Divine Mother has guided me back to myself. I am beginning to like myself and to respect myself. I am getting feedback that I am softer and people around me can feel the love that Divine Mother has poured into my heart.
     Recently, through God's grace and thanks to Divine Mother who has guided me step by step and filled me with courage, I was able to experience my fear: the feeling in the pit of my stomach, the heaviness in my chest and inability to breathe and the trembling in my whole body. God is allowing me to feel again! This is a joyful state after numbness and anger! I can feel the fear: it comes up several times a day. But I am wise to it now, and I can discriminate and not be at its mercy. God is setting me free!
     Through God's grace, I finally understand myself and I can see how I have lived all my life. When I was unable to be right or to have my way, I felt that I was losing control, and that I was going to be found out, and be rejected. I would feel panic deep inside, and to protect myself, a wall of anger or harshness would come up to help me regain control of the situation. I have hurt many, many people that way. I am very sorry to all of them: my children, parents, siblings, friends and co-workers. Also, I now understand my family and why they behaved the way they did, and it was easy to forgive them.
     My heart is overflowing with thankfulness. I am very happy to be able to share this miraculous transformation of my awareness. Praising God is the only way I thank Him for His grace, for giving us Divine Mother who has sacrificed her whole life so that each of us on the path can experience miracles such as these. There is a lot of joy in knowing that, as I am purified, I am becoming able to support Divine Mother better as she carries the Light to the world. Thank You, God!

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Ted Kanamori's Testimony
Ted Kanamori

Ted Kanamori of the Honolulu Spiritual Family

    I know that everyone who sat in front of Divine Mother, experienced the pure unconditional Love that only God can give. I also am very fortunate to have experienced her Love personally. Never ever could I have imagined anyone could love me so much, because I was always searching for that love
my whole life.
     I was born in an internment camp in Tule Lake, California at the end of World War II after which my paternal grandfather moved the whole family back to Japan. It must have been difficult for my young parents to survive in a country foreign to them and ravaged by war. Medical attention was mediocre since my father seemed to have suffered constantly from asthma. I contracted diphtheria and almost died as an infant. We lived in Japan until I was thirteen years old, and my memories of my childhood in Japan were not pleasant ones. I felt like an outcast, an American to the Japanese nationals, and an "enemy" to the American military dependents.
     We also experienced a lot of disharmony and unhappiness between our parents. My two brothers and I often heard them fighting verbally as well as physically. I also witnessed my father's infidelity with a live-in maid who did household chores in exchange for room and board. That was very painful and traumatic for me to see. My father was a very abusive man, and he repeatedly put me down, gloating that he was stronger, better looking, and that I would never make it in life without him. He did a lot to destroy my self-esteem. Due to his asthmatic condition, my father did not work much, and he stayed at home a lot. I never felt comfortable around him so my brothers and I would always try to spend as much time as possible playing outside of the house. During those times when my father felt better, he would try to teach us to play baseball, but he was very harsh with us and I can't remember it ever being fun.
     My mother was very kind and generous to us, as was her mother, my grandmother. In retrospect, my mother and grandmother provided my brothers and me with the love and stability we needed. Thanks also to my mom, who worked very hard, and had a good job with the US Navy, my brothers and I were fortunate enough to attend a private all-boys Catholic school. Though our religious backgrounds then differed from our parents, the religious education that we received also provided us with a sense of security and additional emotional support which we needed. My brothers and I had an altar of Jesus and the Virgin Mary in our home, and we would say our prayers there.
     We moved back to California when I was thirteen, and joined my father who had returned to California a year earlier. He seemed to have settled down, working hard as a gardener, and he provided us with a nice home. The transition to life in America was difficult for me because I was painfully shy. It didn't help that the new school I had to attend was co-ed. I still felt like an outcast, not belonging or fitting in with anyone, or anywhere. I felt discriminated against, both racially and socio-economically. Soon, our family structure started to deteriorate. My father, whose health seemed better, started up his infidelities again, and began to dig a huge financial hole with these endless investment schemes that had creditors hounding him. My parents divorced when my younger brother finished high school, and my brothers and I followed mom to Los Angeles. I attended college and worked part-time, but without much direction, getting average grades, and falling behind on class credits. That's when the Army drafted me, and within six months, I wound up in Vietnam in 1967. It seemed unfair that someone weak and nerdy, and who had avoided confrontations and fights his whole life, could be forced into combat. I served only nineteen months in the service, fourteen of those months in Vietnam, a period in my life I desperately wanted to forget.
     My experience in Vietnam filled me with shame because I told this sergeant that I couldn't make it as a combat soldier. The killing and fighting so traumatized me that I really felt like I was going to lose it. I was thereafter transferred to headquarters and given a job as a supply clerk. I felt I disgraced myself and all the soldiers in Vietnam, and especially a friend who was killed, and another one who had been wounded four times. I couldn't overcome my sense of failure and guilt for having been removed from the front lines. I kept this episode of my life completely sealed up within me, and I never, ever shared about Vietnam.
     After Vietnam I returned to school, and the GI Bill helped me go to dental school. After graduating from dental school in 1975, I took a General Dentistry Residency at St. Francis Hospital in Honolulu for a year and decided to stay awhile because for the first time in my life, I felt I belonged somewhere. I met Gary Umeda through joint educational ventures and we became close friends. Today, he is my dearest friend, and he was indirectly responsible for my meeting with Divine Mother. Gary introduced Divine Mother to Fran, my mother-in-law, who, in turn, brought me to Divine Mother. I met her in 1983. I could see how Divine Mother had helped Fran, and Iris, my sister-in-law. I also wanted to meet her because I knew that Gary was also seeing her, and I had witnessed the positive changes that had occurred in him. From the first moment I met Divine Mother, she immediately made me feel so comfortable, and she understood me more than I understood myself.
     I met my wife Wendy in an office where I worked after the hospital program. We got married in 1978. We moved to Maui where I established my own dental practice. We had two wonderful sons, my practice became very successful, and life was so good. I thought we would live happily ever after. It appeared that what I wanted all my life I had achieved, financial security and a healthy family life. Somehow, though, there was a void and I didn't know how to fill it. As I struggled to find it externally through sports and hobbies, I became absent to my wife and my children. Wendy and I would come to Oahu from Maui once a month or so to sit with Divine Mother and the meditation group. She would lift whatever burdens we had accumulated from the last time we saw her. I was such a taker then, so unconscious of what she was really giving to me, just content to have her make me feel good. Wendy was at first very needy and required much attention and material fulfillment. She became very attached to our two children, and started to become attracted to other men. When she told me that night in 1990, that she had fallen in love with someone else, I was devastated! I didn't sleep that night and waited until the next morning to call Divine Mother for help.
     As I spoke to Divine Mother that morning in deep despair, I remember her telling me, "God loves you. He is your friend and companion. I love you." I will never forget those words, but at that moment I didn't truly appreciate the depth of love I had been given. All I knew was that my burden was lifted and I was able to carry out my work joyfully that day. Thereafter, I continued to plunge in and out of depression for a year or so. During the later part of that year, Divine Mother came to Maui and stayed at our home in Kula. I will always remember those two days as we sat before her, cherishing her every breath and word. I felt like her special child, assuring me of her Love, as a mother would when her son is hurt. I felt so uplifted by her visit.
    When I sat with Divine Mother for my first one-on-one, she took me to my heart and showed me that she was sitting in my heart. Then she said that Divine Mother wanted to shower me with unconditional Love. At that moment, I felt this warmth and a force so overwhelming that I began to cry like a baby. I have never ever experienced that kind of LOVE before. With every one-on-one with Divine Mother thereafter, I have always been blessed to experience this bliss, this incredible Love. Whenever I share this moment with others and every time I sit before Divine Mother, I become overwhelmed with this feeling of Love, and I am unable to stop crying.
     For a long while I was still on the taking end and sitting on the sidewalk. When a newcomer opened her house in Maui to the spiritual family, I was shaken. This became the turning point for me, and with Gary's help and mostly because of Divine Mother, the dam broke, and my protective walls surrounding Vietnam started to crumble. For the first time, I began to share about my experiences there. Divine Mother really helped me to totally change my feelings about my Vietnam experience. She gave me a one-on-one. During this one-on-one, Divine Mother took me back to Vietnam, and turned my whole experience there into a spiritual one. She helped me to say the mantra for all of the people involved in that war, and my healing began instantly. My shame and guilt were turned into deep compassion and love for all of the people who suffered and died in that war. Later, an old comrade from Vietnam whom I hadn't seen for thirty years called me. He was ecstatic to find me. As I shared about the burden I carried and how it was miraculously lifted by Divine Mother, he was very happy to know that I had been healed of my scars. He also shared how worried he had been about me all those years.
     During all of the intensives that Divine Mother conducted and I was privileged to attend, I discovered so many things about myself. I found that all my life I was weak, tried to please people and let everyone walk over me. From childhood, I tried to get attention by doing chores and being helpful because I felt unattractive and unworthy. At school, I felt so much pressure to please the teachers. I never felt good about myself. I was never smart enough. I struggled with myself for most of my life, and I hit bottom when my marriage went sour and I saw myself as a failure as a father, husband, and provider.
     I am not the same person today as I was forty years ago, even five years or even one year ago. Thanks to Divine Mother, my healing has been incredible. My marriage has become stronger, and its foundation is based on loving God first. I have forgiven my wife and been able to develop a deep spiritual love for her that I did not have before. Through all of Divine Mother's Love, and hard work with my wife, she also has changed so much, and now has greater respect and love for me, as well as for herself. Through God's grace, we have both become better spouses to each other, and better parents to our children. We now understand each other, communicate openly, and have greater intimacy and closeness than ever before. I am a much stronger person now, more respectful of myself, and I have finally been able to be strong and shine the Light for my family, as Divine Mother asked me to do. I thank God for Divine Mother, for having equipped me with practical tools to take care of myself.
     I have also been able to forgive my father, and I now have compassion and understanding for all of the suffering he experienced in his life. I have let go of my desire to have my mother share her life with me, and allow me to really get to know her. I love her and appreciate all that she tried to do for me when I was growing up. I would like to praise God by sharing my life with my children, my brothers, and anyone who needs hope that incredible changes can take place in life through the power of God's Love. I am now happy for the life I had, for the journey of finding myself, and learning to love and respect my Godself.
     Thank you Divine Mother for your unconditional Love for me. Your gift of Love shines brightly in my heart, and has lit the way to finding myself. I am eternally grateful.

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Cathy Oda's Testimony
Cathy Oda

Cathy Oda of the Los Angeles Spiritual Family

    Growing up, I tried to be the "good girl" by doing and saying the right things. I felt for my mother having seen how much energy my three older brothers required. I didn't want my parents to have to worry about me. I felt for my brothers, for I felt like they got the brunt of my father's rage. From my mother, who had lost her father when she was nine years old, I was raised with tough love, as that was all she knew herself, and from my father I was raised with conditional love, as that was all he knew. I was so needy for affection and to be loved, in high school I found myself in a very degrading and abusive relationship. After that, I did not feel worthy of God's Love, burdened by the guilt of having committed a "cardinal sin." So great was my guilt that I used to believe that when God looked down upon the congregation in prayer, He wouldn't be able to see me; there would be no one sitting in the space on the pew I occupied. In my heart I felt like an outsider to the church.
     I used to envy my friends who could completely give their whole hearts to Jesus and the Bible, without question. I witnessed their love and devotion and wanted so desperately to be able to do the same, but when I tried, I would feel like a hypocrite. I had so many concerns and questions. Many devoted youth leaders and loving friends tried to address my concerns and questions, but the answers I received never filled up the cavity of despair in my heart.
     I started coming to meditation in May of 1992, led there by a childhood friend. I was a very lonely, needy, and unhappy person. I felt so dirty and unclean, carrying so much baggage from my past. The first time I met Divine Mother, she took me in with open, loving arms. I felt her love and complete acceptance of me. She embraced my heart and told me that I was an orphan who had found a home. From that moment, I knew she knew me, and I knew in my heart this was the path for me. Divine Mother completely abolished the desire to search for God with my mind. This was the beginning of the transformation of my life. With her Love, Divine Mother guided me home to the all-knowing, all-loving God within me.
     Through Divine Mother, God's grace flowed into my heart. Divine Mother taught me how to move from my mind into my heart, to open my heart to God's Love, and to be receptive to the voice of God within. She taught me how to experience life with spiritual ears and spiritual eyes. God gave me the courage to face myself, and I felt free to tell Divine Mother everything because I felt she really knew my heart. In meditation, I saw that I had a deep contempt for myself. Divine Mother taught me how to discriminate the Real from the unreal, and to focus instead on God's Love. She taught me how to be kind to myself, and told me not to seek out rubbish. She also told me repeatedly, to be happy. Since coming onto this path, I have been so much happier with my life.
     Through God's grace, I was spared from despair over two miscarriages which happened within a five month period. The first one happened in August 1995, the day before we were to leave for Hawaii to attend the August celebration. Divine Mother was in my heart, shining so brightly from the very moment I heard the news. The Love and peace that emanated from her embraced me, and allowed me to completely accept this experience. In Hawaii, Divine Mother lifted me up and put me in a spiritual state which kept me centered on God's Love. I was filled with such peace.
     When the second miscarriage happened in December 1995, I felt the strength of Divine Mother within me. Again, I was filled with a peacefulness in my heart, and I knew that God would never forsake me. I could really feel how these experiences were making me stronger. In March of 1997, I was blessed with the birth of a beautiful daughter. Divine Mother has taught me how to share love in ways that are healthy and respectful. I know now that I don't have to perpetuate the dysfunctional ways of relating to my loved ones that I learned as a child. I am glad that my daughter will benefit from the insights, and awarenesses that I have received on this path. I am becoming a better mother, wife, daughter, and friend. I am truly happy in my heart. This path has been the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I am no longer shrouded in darkness by the overwhelming guilt of my past. I can now experience the joys of life, and am no longer a passive, fearful observer. I am grateful for having been lifted out of the dark, captive caves of my mind into God's Love and peace. I am finding myself, and for that I am truly rejoicing. I can see now how much I used to beat myself up, and I don't do that anymore. I choose now to focus on God's Love. It is through focusing on this love that God prevails. I am so grateful for this transformation.

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