|November 1999 ~ Volume 2, Number 4
SAN FRANCISCO MEDITATION INTENSIVES
Divine Mother Audrey met with the San Francisco spiritual family twice this year, in June and October. Several members from the Honolulu spiritual family joined Divine Mother Audrey in San Francisco for the June meditation intensives. They were John, Roberta and Sarah Christianson, Edith Sakai, Asa and Edna Higuchi, and Jim and Jeanne Petroff.
Special thanks to the San Francisco spiritual family for assisting with the opening of Sumi Honda's home for meditation. Sumi writes, "Spiritual family came through like a tornado and really worked hard cleaning, painting and doing repairs. I am so grateful to them. They did so much. I feel very fortunate. Their caring overwhelmed me. Divine Mother is truly looking after all of us. Nobody has ever given me so much love as Divine Mother and you, Divine Mother Audrey."
Thank you Sumi for opening your home for meditation.
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LONDON MEDITATION INTENSIVES, SOUTH AFRICA, AND THE MILLENNIUM CELEBRATION
Divine Mother Audrey will hold meditation intensives in London with Jade and Deborah Anderson, and their relatives and friends during the last week of November. London will be a stopping point for Divine Mother Audrey, who will thereafter head off to South Africa for the World Parliament of Religions in Capetown. She will return in time for the Millennium Celebration which will be held in Honolulu commencing with Christmas dinner on December 25th, and concluding with lunch on New Year's Day. Meditation intensives will be held throughout that week.
When I first met Divine Mother, I was awe-struck that she had given up her entire life and a flourishing career to spread the Light to the world. Little did I know how completely Divine Mother, was to transform my entire life. This testimonial is offered in gratitude to Divine Mother.
Grief, rage and fear have dominated my life, causing me severe, chronic depression. I don't remember laughing much as a child. At an early age, I was forced to be a "parent," listening to my mother and father as they unloaded their extreme feelings of grief and dysfunction on me. Not only did they use me as a confidante for their problems, but they also expected me to behave perfectly. I was expected to be polite, compassionate and considerate at all times, even if this was at the expense of a spontaneous and normal childhood. My mom was an extremely depressed and sad woman, who longed for love from my equally dysfunctional father. My father was a depressed man who had pent up rage and sadness. Sometimes his feelings would explode into fits of rage towards me, and the negative effects of this rage were compounded by the fact that he refused to take responsibility for his actions. As a result, I was burdened by the guilty feeling that I was the cause of all his misery and suffering.
As I grew older, the family problems worsened. During my teenage years, my dad confided in me that he was very suicidal. It got to the point where I would walk to school wondering if my dad would kill himself. I grew up burdened with fear and anxiety.
For years I tried to deal with the powerful emotions locked inside of myself, but to no avail. As a teenager and college student, I would go to my favorite nature spots and try to cry, but could not. In college, the full awareness of how my parents had stolen my childhood hit me like a tidal wave. I struggled to stay one step ahead of a complete nervous breakdown. I thought that I would never be able to come to terms with my past. After college, I became a successful businessman. I had a very placid, amiable exterior, but at the same time, I was a depressed, lonely, and reclusive person. I was so afraid of ever exposing these feelings inside of myself that I never allowed people to get close to me. My loneliness and depression were compounded by a spate of health problems.
When I met Divine Mother for the first time, I could instantly feel her unconditional Love for me and I knew that I was truly blessed to have met her. Her Love has transformed and healed me. I was lifted out of the deep depression that had followed me throughout my life. Divine Mother gave me a one-on-one, in which she guided me deep within my heart. I could feel God's Love pouring into me. In my heart, Divine Mother's compassion melted the blocks that were preventing me from crying. She provided me with a large safety net of warmth and comfort. For the very first time, I truly cried for myself. What a tremendous gift from God! I cannot thank Divine Mother enough for allowing the tears of grief to wash away twenty-eight years of depression and despair. In my heart, I know that only Divine Mother could have unstopped the grief that was in my heart. In this same one-on-one, Divine Mother not only unplugged the grief, but she filled my empty childhood with happiness. Divine Mother had given me back my childhood.
After this initial one-on-one, the healing tears have flowed and flowed and I was able to grieve for my lost childhood. Divine Mother was in my heart every time I cried, softening the grief with love. The repressed grief that had consumed me no longer controls my life. That I am full again when I was so empty is purely God's Grace.
Divine Mother's unconditional Love allowed me to face not only grief, but rage as well. Throughout my life, I buried the feelings of rage I had towards my parents under a facade of polite friendliness. During the Honolulu intensives, uncomfortable feelings of anger towards my father started to surface. Divine Mother gave me the unconditional Love and safety to express these feelings that had never been exposed. After the intense experience of expressing my rage in a non-destructive way, Divine Mother filled me with God's unconditional Love and restored me to my health. I can never thank you enough, Divine Mother, for what you did for me. I remember weeping and weeping after I saw the rage come out, and then becoming more and more wholesome in the ensuing months and years.
I have changed in so many countless ways. Asthma is a condition I have battled since I was five years old. In college, my attacks were so severe that I would stay in the college infirmary for days at a time. Two years ago, during the New Jersey Intensives, I had an intense attack of asthma in the middle of the night. As I did not have an inhaler, my mother considered driving me to a hospital. But Divine Mother, infinitely kind, meditated for me. She had me offer my breath to her as she enveloped me in God's Love. The asthma attack stopped, and I fell into a deep, peaceful sleep. I have never had an attack of asthma since. Thank You, God, for such a miracle in my life.
Ever since I was young, I was tortured by violent thoughts. I lived in a constant state of anxiety because I couldn't control these thoughts. I felt as if I were a monster. During the meditation intensives in New Jersey this year, Divine Mother allowed me to share these thoughts and feelings with her. Intense grief, fear, and anger tumbled out of me. Afterwards, Divine Mother took me to Spirit. Divine Mother showed me how my parents poured violence into me as a young child. I saw myself locked in a vise in space. My parents were tightening the vise on my body. On one side of the vise, I could see my parents as good, moral people. On the other side, I saw the violence that was underneath this facade. Divine Mother had me offer up all of my violent and tortured thoughts to her. Since then, these thoughts have lessened tremendously. I cannot thank Divine Mother enough for what she did. With each and every new experience with Divine Mother, I feel that my dysfunction is withering away. Only God's Love could have lifted this torture from me and returned me to my wholesomeness.
During the Florida Intensives, I was again, awed by God's Grace. My knees, which had deteriorated over the last several years, caused me severe pain and I had to lie down. What Divine Mother did for me is something that I will never forget. She gave me a one-on-one in which I found myself totally floating through space. I felt God's blue Light coursing through me. At that moment, I felt totally at peace. I could feel myself surrounded by God's awesome, beautiful Love. In the next instant, I fell asleep for 10 hours. God's Love is truly amazing. Since that time, my knees have been restored. Before that one-on-one I could not walk without pain. Now I can hike miles with no pain whatsoever. Even now, I can feel the blue Light of God coursing through me, and I know that this is a gift from God.
The miracles continued and continued. In Maui, Divine Mother gave me a one-on-one that changed my life forever. In this one-on-one, my heart flew across the United States (I was living in Philadelphia at the time) and I ended up in Hawaii where I was reunited with my mother. Behind it all, I knew I was coming home to Divine Mother, my true mother. I cannot describe the joy that I felt after this miraculous vision from Divine Mother. After thirteen years of seeking to escape my family, Divine Mother was bringing me back to my mother and sister. When I think back to that moment, I know that Divine Mother gifted me with my heart's desire—to come home.
In moving home, Divine Mother guided our family to greater healing and wholesomeness. My sister, mom, and I experienced intimacy—something that we didn't experience growing up. My mom was able to listen to me, let me cry, express hurt feelings, and even allowed me to articulate what had angered me over the years. My sister and I are now able to communicate more honestly and openly, sharing our life experiences in a way that we never were able to do growing up. I know now that God was the architect in our lives all along. Divine Mother gave us the security and unconditional love to know that it was all right to open up, and she brought us all closer together.
The changes in my life have been amazing and unbelievable. While living in Philadelphia, I was controlled by rage, depression, grief, declining health, and a desire to make money, doing work that I didn't enjoy. I now have a flourishing career in Hawaii doing what I love. My entire life has been given back to me: my health, my family, myself. I am happier and more wholesome than ever before. My life has laughter now, and as every day goes by, I am experiencing greater joy, laughter and peace. Now, when I look at the sky as I am fishing, I am filled with happiness. I praise God for restoring my life.
Since moving to Hawaii, I feel as though I have lived a lifetime. Truly, the Grace that I have received has been incredible.
One of the many miracles that our family experienced is that we reconnected after years of disharmony. While my mom moved back to Hawaii in 1992 and my father lived in California, my brother remained in Pennsylvania after college to keep his distance from both my parents. For me, visiting mom was emotionally draining because she was so needy, fragile, and emotional. My brother and I were at the point of discussing which one of us was going to take care of her because we thought she was headed towards a nervous breakdown.
It was God's Grace for our family that my mother was able to meet Divine Mother in 1992 when she moved back to Hawaii after the divorce. Divine Mother kindly saw my mother for one-on-ones and my mother steadily became stronger within herself. Throughout my childhood, my mom sought help through religion, self-help books, and psychology. But it was only when she met Divine Mother that she, as well as our dynamics, started to change. She was less needy and I felt much safer being around her. Throughout the years my mom would change dramatically—becoming self-sufficient, happy, and wholesome. I thank Divine Mother for giving me a new mother and for lifting the awesome responsibility that I felt for taking care of her.
Just as my mom has changed, I, too, have experienced direct transformation through Divine Mother's Light. In April 1997, my brother and I were both in Hawaii and were able to spend much time with Divine Mother. I cannot truly convey the magnitude of our week with Divine Mother. For the very first time, my brother expressed feelings that he had long kept hidden from my mother and even from me. In just one week, our entire family dynamics began to shift and became the start of an authentic and beautiful family relationship. For me, I felt despair and depression and my hands started shaking involuntarily. All my life I had shoved down negative emotions and learned to ignore them. I excelled in school and sports, yet never addressed some of the deep feelings and concerns I had. During this week, however, I was being unraveled and shaken to the core.
I felt so much despair and was afraid not only of what I was sensing inside, but that I would leave Hawaii an absolute wreck. But, Divine Mother spared me. The day before I left, I had an incredible experience in which I felt a whirlwind of sadness and pain that was so deep that I felt it came from the pit of my stomach. I never knew I had this pain in me. In an instant, I was screaming—something in me could not be contained any longer and it seemed to pour out from my soul. I couldn't stop myself. I was throwing a tantrum and screaming for help. My mom called Divine Mother and she came over to the house right away and as I screamed out my raw feelings, Divine Mother took my mother to Spirit in the other room. I could not hear them and I continued crying and screaming, my body spasming with such intense emotion. Then, in an instant, everything completely went away and I felt peaceful and whole. Later I found out that I had stopped crying the very moment when my mother saw in Spirit that I was deeply hurt at a very young age. While I was in that room screaming, Divine Mother was helping me in Spirit, completely lifting me out of the emotional and mental torture. I felt as though something beautiful had washed over me and I immediately felt like a new person—happier, younger, revived. Afterwards, I had the awareness that had these feelings stayed suppressed inside of me, I would have become mentally ill, but because of Divine Mother's powerful Light, I was set free. So many things started to make sense and I was able to understand my quirky attitudes, feelings and fears since childhood. I thank Divine Mother for allowing me to face something so deep within me, and not only stay intact, but actually become healthier because of it. How could I have stayed intact and have recovered so quickly? How could it become such a beautiful experience for me? It was Divine Mother's Grace.
Due to the significant changes in my mother, my brother and I both moved to Hawaii during the summer of 1997. Our family has been so fortunate, because we have been able to spend so much time with Divine Mother. Through God's Love, we have been able to heal even more as a family and as individuals. Growing up, our household lived under constant pressure and emotional instability. My parents' unhealthy marriage and destructive patterns were central focuses in our family, yet we never acknowledge this fact. On the outside we were really good children, never rebelling, but instead, excelling. But, I could not be a child—I felt responsible for and worried about my parents and suppressed my own needs and emotions. Also, we lived with such strict and rigid moral, religious and social codes, which gave me a skewed sense of society. It was as though we lived in a bomb shelter, trying desperately to stay untouched by the "sicknesses" in society. Even in mundane areas, I was taught to be so careful. I did not use hair dryers or certain pots and pans because they supposedly caused cancer. I was constantly reminded that watching our black and white TV too closely would hurt me later on. I was yelled at for drinking Diet Coke or eating anything fried and oily. It isn't to say that some of the things might not be true—I don't know. But there is a point in which it becomes unhealthy and causes obsession, guilt, and fear. It is still sad for me to see how rigidly I was taught to think and how I learned to scrutinize and judge my own behavior so harshly, as well as the behavior of other people. Divine Mother cut these family patterns and dysfunctional ties and helped me live life with more freedom.
Divine Mother's Light works immediately. After I broke up with my boyfriend when I was living on the mainland, I was really troubled and upset. Moments after I spoke with my mom, she was lucky enough to share with Divine Mother. Because of what Divine Mother shared with my mom, I felt completely spared from the suffering that I was putting myself through. My consciousness had completely changed. In another experience I was at the dinner table with Divine Mother and the San Francisco Spiritual Family. I was eating along with everyone else, when Divine Mother looked at me and with so much focus, said, "Sarah, don't worry." How deeply Divine Mother knows me, more than I know myself. How blessed I have been that Divine Mother has given me such personalized Love and guidance.
I am so much stronger now, and instead of hiding my voice, I am freer to express myself. Instead of being pulled by negativity and fantasy, I am able to focus more on the love and stay in the moment. My focus is incredibly better and I feel as though I can absorb information at a much higher rate than before. My emotions are steadier and I do not feel controlled by them. I have more clarity, and am learning to trust myself. Also, I can make mistakes without being so hard on myself.
Divine Mother expanded my consciousness even more by showing me that there were more possibilities than what I perceived. As I expunged negative emotions and saw the dysfunction that had been so prevalent in my life, Divine Mother was filling me up with Love and hope, always raising my consciousness and instilling the positive in me. For so long I had denied myself many normal things and experiences. Divine Mother has been kinder to me than I have been to myself. She has taken me out to dinner and treated me to the most delicious meals and desserts. She has given me volleyball tickets so that I may enjoy my favorite sport. She has encouraged me to explore my interests, gifts, and talents, to embrace life and expand my horizons. Because of all the love that I have received, my rigid thinking is relaxing, and I am open to new experiences and interested in venturing into new territory. I feel as though Divine Mother wants me to reach my highest potential in love and life and that she is giving me confidence within myself to experience life in positive, beautiful and expansive ways.
This journey has been spectacular. Now, I have a successful educational business. I am both independent and part of a strong family that works great together. I am happy, healthy, and wholesome. The future looks bright; in particular, my brother and I are working closely to expand our businesses in ways that I would have never imagined before. Through Divine Mother, my consciousness is continually expanding through my daily life, as well as through the amazing trips to Ghana, Sri Lanka, and the United Nations that I have been privileged to take with Divine Mother. Divine Mother once said to me, "Sarah, you are never alone. I am always One with you." I cherish these words. I am so blessed by Divine Mother's Love that is all pervasive in my life, and so grateful to be on a spiritual journey that is full of love and deep inner joy. Thank You, God!
In 1987, my husband, Masao and I met Divine Mother in Hawaii. After our first meeting, we used to go to her home to meditate on the first Sunday of every month. We were so fortunate to have been given the mantra. Divine Mother had so much Love and compassion for everyone. We looked forward to meditating with her. Divine Mother explained to us that we have to be connected to the Source in order to receive the Light, and that we must be humble like the mango tree. Divine Mother often used the Japanese word "Su-na-o" (i.e. "humble").
When Masao began to have difficulty walking, we moved to California on November 11, 1991. We wanted to be near our four children and grandchildren who all live in Los Angeles. Every time Divine Mother came to L.A., she came over to our house and meditated with us. Divine Mother had so much Love for us. When Divine Mother Audrey came to L.A., she also came over to our house to meditate with Masao and me. She always said, "Don't worry. Offer Masao to Divine Mother, and she will take care of him." We were really blessed to have had such personal attention. Masao was confined to a wheelchair for five years. My four children and their spouses, all of whom are also on this path, were so helpful and loving in assisting me to take care of Masao. He received so much love from the family and from the spiritual family as well.
In December 1996, I had knee surgery, and I was admitted to the Daniel Freeman Hospital. During that same week, Masao got sick and was admitted to the Gardena Community Hospital. He came down with pneumonia, and my doctor did not want me to visit Masao because he did not want me to contract any infections. I planned to visit Masao as soon as I got out of the hospital and Masao got better. Unfortunately, on January 7, 1997, Masao suddenly passed away. We had been married for fifty-six years, and I felt so sad that I did not have a chance to say goodbye to him and that I had not been there at his side when he died. I was grateful that at least our children were with him when he passed away.
In May 1997, I had to go to Hawaii to take care of the family grave. I was very concerned about doing this properly. Divine Mother Audrey told me, "Don't worry. Divine Mother will guide you." When I went to Hawaii, everything just flowed. Divine Mother Audrey really guided me with the plot and the new gravesite. I just couldn't believe how smoothly things worked out for me.
Since Masao's passing, Divine Mother Audrey has helped me to release my sadness and guilt over not being with Masao when he died. I am grateful for living life every day, and I am enjoying life. I enjoy cooking, sewing, gardening, morning walks for exercise, and attending meditation with the spiritual family. My children and their spouses, the spiritual family, and friends have been so kind and loving to me.
I am also happy and peaceful because Divine Mother Audrey has given so much Love, compassion, and help to me and my children, and grandchildren. I praise God for all the grace our family has received.
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All my life I longed to know and love God. I remember as a child feeling voiceless, powerless and afraid of my father who was abusive. I remember finding refuge in my room and in crying to God for help.
Being Japanese American, I was raised Christian but accepted Eastern philosophies too. I studied and tried many different religions—always searching for a path that embraced all religions.
I was twenty years old when I heard about Divine Mother. I traveled across the state of California to see her. When Divine Mother spoke of Sri Ramakrishna, the String that ran through all the pearls (religions), how prayer was talking to God but meditation was listening to God, and how she had the key to help us realize God, I knew instantly this was the path I had been searching for. In the days that followed, Divine Mother's messages were like spiritual food to me for which I hungered. I did not have to comprehend all that she said because Divine Mother did not communicate mind to mind, but transmitted everything heart to heart. Three days later, Divine Mother graciously initiated me.
In the years that followed, I married and found myself feeling voiceless, powerless and afraid of my husband despite having vowed never to marry a man like my father, or to be like my mother. I remember being a newlywed and pregnant, crying on the telephone to Divine Mother, telling her I had made a mistake in marrying. Divine Mother was so gracious in offering to perform a spiritual marriage over the telephone. How symbolic it was that it was just Divine Mother and me.
For sixteen years, I was torn in my commitment to God and to my family. I did not always make God first because of my human attachments, which caused much misery. Yet, Divine Mother never did forsake me. She was so patient and kind, always manifesting God's unconditional Love for me. Although we communicated by phone, letter, or during her annual visits to the mainland, my relationship with Divine Mother was more in Spirit.
My longing for God grew deeper and when I finally made a commitment to God first, Divine Mother's Light seemed to move faster in my life as things began to unfold and change so quickly. Without knowing it, I had made a commitment to myself too. I had been playing the same role with my husband as I had with my father. Through God's grace, I realized I could change my role. I did not have to be the victim anymore. I could be strong and courageous in reclaiming myself.
When I changed, and started to respect myself, my husband asked for a divorce. The chains that had bound me were being broken and I was being freed from a chaotic and manic life with him. In sixteen years of marriage, I experienced being broke three times and having to start over and over and over. I moved and lived in four different homes, owned with him four different businesses, four undeveloped properties, four commercial buildings, seven rental homes, and sixty-six vehicles. I traveled a lot with him, going outward to avoid facing the truth about my life and myself.
Divorce is hard. I cannot put into words all that I went through. I still cry and scream in sadness and pain. But I also cry in gratitude because I couldn't have faced nor survived this past year without Divine Mother, who helped me to see God's grace in every experience, and who gave me the tools to go through each experience offering, surrendering and trusting in God's will. I am grateful for my spiritual evolvement and for this opportunity to have learned how to cultivate greater love, understanding and compassion for myself, and others, as I moved through all of these hardships.
I would like to share an experience with Divine Mother, which occurred the last time she was here in San Francisco, which to me reflects the essence of my life with her on this sacred path of love and devotion to God. My plate was full in every area of my life. I was just holding on, waiting to see Divine Mother. I went to pick her up from the hotel. Divine Mother turned around and saw me. Her face was so beautiful, and her voice was so loving as she greeted me. Then to my surprise, she opened up her arms to embrace me. I embraced her too. So much Love for me, and so much love for her. Later, she asked my concerns. I longed to tell her but I didn't know how to convey all of my concerns in words.
Desperately, I looked into her eyes, which were filled with so much understanding and compassion, and I offered my heart to her. In the days that followed, I was able to write three pages of concerns. And even though I did not verbalize them, or show her what I had written, she addressed every concern that I had. Divine Mother knows my heart and my heart is hers. I feel so blessed to move through life in her loving embrace. Praise God!
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