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John Christianson's Testimonial
Healing and Wholesomeness
(from the November 1999 Newsletter)

John Christianson of the Honolulu Spiritual Family  
 
John Christianson of the Honolulu Spiritual Family  
 

     When I first met Divine Mother, I was awe-struck that she had given up her entire life and a flourishing career to spread the Light to the world. Little did I know how completely Divine Mother, was to transform my entire life. This testimonial is offered in gratitude to Divine Mother.
     Grief, rage and fear have dominated my life, causing me severe, chronic depression. I don't remember laughing much as a child. At an early age, I was forced to be a "parent," listening to my mother and father as they unloaded their extreme feelings of grief and dysfunction on me. Not only did they use me as a confidante for their problems, but they also expected me to behave perfectly. I was expected to be polite, compassionate and considerate at all times, even if this was at the expense of a spontaneous and normal childhood. My mom was an extremely depressed and sad woman, who longed for love from my equally dysfunctional father. My father was a depressed man who had pent up rage and sadness. Sometimes his feelings would explode into fits of rage towards me, and the negative effects of this rage were compounded by the fact that he refused to take responsibility for his actions. As a result, I was burdened by the guilty feeling that I was the cause of all his misery and suffering.
     As I grew older, the family problems worsened. During my teenage years, my dad confided in me that he was very suicidal. It got to the point where I would walk to school wondering if my dad would kill himself. I grew up burdened with fear and anxiety.
     For years I tried to deal with the powerful emotions locked inside of myself, but to no avail. As a teenager and college student, I would go to my favorite nature spots and try to cry, but could not. In college, the full awareness of how my parents had stolen my childhood hit me like a tidal wave. I struggled to stay one step ahead of a complete nervous breakdown. I thought that I would never be able to come to terms with my past. After college, I became a successful businessman. I had a very placid, amiable exterior, but at the same time, I was a depressed, lonely, and reclusive person. I was so afraid of ever exposing these feelings inside of myself that I never allowed people to get close to me. My loneliness and depression were compounded by a spate of health problems.
     When I met Divine Mother for the first time, I could instantly feel her unconditional Love for me and I knew that I was truly blessed to have met her. Her Love has transformed and healed me. I was lifted out of the deep depression that had followed me throughout my life. Divine Mother gave me a one-on-one, in which she guided me deep within my heart. I could feel God's Love pouring into me. In my heart, Divine Mother's compassion melted the blocks that were preventing me from crying. She provided me with a large safety net of warmth and comfort. For the very first time, I truly cried for myself. What a tremendous gift from God! I cannot thank Divine Mother enough for allowing the tears of grief to wash away twenty-eight years of depression and despair. In my heart, I know that only Divine Mother could have unstopped the grief that was in my heart. In this same one-on-one, Divine Mother not only unplugged the grief, but she filled my empty childhood with happiness. Divine Mother had given me back my childhood.
     After this initial one-on-one, the healing tears have flowed and flowed and I was able to grieve for my lost childhood. Divine Mother was in my heart every time I cried, softening the grief with love. The repressed grief that had consumed me no longer controls my life. That I am full again when I was so empty is purely God's Grace.
     Divine Mother's unconditional Love allowed me to face not only grief, but rage as well. Throughout my life, I buried the feelings of rage I had towards my parents under a facade of polite friendliness. During the Honolulu intensives, uncomfortable feelings of anger towards my father started to surface. Divine Mother gave me the unconditional love and safety to express these feelings that had never been exposed. After the intense experience of expressing my rage in a non-destructive way, Divine Mother filled me with God's unconditional Love and restored me to my health. I can never thank you enough, Divine Mother, for what you did for me. I remember weeping and weeping after I saw the rage come out, and then becoming more and more wholesome in the ensuing months and years.
     I have changed in so many countless ways. Asthma is a condition I have battled since I was five years old. In college, my attacks were so severe that I would stay in the college infirmary for days at a time. Two years ago, during the New Jersey Intensives, I had an intense attack of asthma in the middle of the night. As I did not have an inhaler, my mother considered driving me to a hospital. But Divine Mother, infinitely kind, meditated for me. She had me offer my breath to her as she enveloped me in God's Love. The asthma attack stopped, and I fell into a deep, peaceful sleep. I have never had an attack of asthma since. Thank You, God, for such a miracle in my life.
     Ever since I was young, I was tortured by violent thoughts. I lived in a constant state of anxiety because I couldn't control these thoughts. I felt as if I were a monster. During the meditation intensives in New Jersey this year, Divine Mother allowed me to share these thoughts and feelings with her. Intense grief, fear, and anger tumbled out of me. Afterwards, Divine Mother took me to Spirit. Divine Mother showed me how my parents poured violence into me as a young child. I saw myself locked in a vise in space. My parents were tightening the vise on my body. On one side of the vise, I could see my parents as good, moral people. On the other side, I saw the violence that was underneath this facade. Divine Mother had me offer up all of my violent and tortured thoughts to her. Since then, these thoughts have lessened tremendously. I cannot thank Divine Mother enough for what she did. With each and every new experience with Divine Mother, I feel that my dysfunction is withering away. Only God's Love could have lifted this torture from me and returned me to my wholesomeness.
     During the Florida Intensives, I was again, awed by God's Grace. My knees, which had deteriorated over the last several years, caused me severe pain and I had to lie down. What Divine Mother did for me is something that I will never forget. She gave me a one-on-one in which I found myself totally floating through space. I felt God's blue Light coursing through me. At that moment, I felt totally at peace. I could feel myself surrounded by God's awesome, beautiful Love. In the next instant, I fell asleep for 10 hours. God's Love is truly amazing. Since that time, my knees have been restored. Before that one-on-one I could not walk without pain. Now I can hike miles with no pain whatsoever. Even now, I can feel the blue Light of God coursing through me, and I know that this is a gift from God.
     The miracles continued and continued. In Maui, Divine Mother gave me a one-on-one that changed my life forever. In this one-on-one, my heart flew across the United States (I was living in Philadelphia at the time) and I ended up in Hawaii where I was reunited with my mother. Behind it all, I knew I was coming home to Divine Mother, my true mother. I cannot describe the joy that I felt after this miraculous vision from Divine Mother. After thirteen years of seeking to escape my family, Divine Mother was bringing me back to my mother and sister. When I think back to that moment, I know that Divine Mother gifted me with my heart's desire - to come home.
     In moving home, Divine Mother guided our family to greater healing and wholesomeness. My sister, mom, and I experienced intimacy—something that we didn't experience growing up. My mom was able to listen to me, let me cry, express hurt feelings, and even allowed me to articulate what had angered me over the years. My sister and I are now able to communicate more honestly and openly, sharing our life experiences in a way that we never were able to do growing up. I know now that God was the architect in our lives all along. Divine Mother gave us the security and unconditional love to know that it was all right to open up, and she brought us all closer together.
     The changes in my life have been amazing and unbelievable. While living in Philadelphia, I was controlled by rage, depression, grief, declining health, and a desire to make money, doing work that I didn't enjoy. I now have a flourishing career in Hawaii doing what I love. My entire life has been given back to me: my health, my family, myself. I am happier and more wholesome than ever before. My life has laughter now, and as every day goes by, I am experiencing greater joy, laughter and peace. Now, when I look at the sky as I am fishing, I am filled with happiness. I praise God for restoring my life.

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