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Leni Davis 's Testimonial
Overcoming Fear and Anger
(from the December 1998 Newsletter)

Leni Davis of the Honolulu Spiritual Family  
 
Leni Davis of the Honolulu Spiritual Family  
 

    Praising God is the only way I can give thanks for the miracles in my life. It is such a joyful occasion to be given the opportunity to show my deep gratitude for what Divine Mother has done for me.
     When I met Divine Mother ten years ago, I was the fearful product of an abusive childhood. I thought I was shy. I did not know that I was terrified of being found out. I was hiding my feelings of deep inadequacy, inferiority, low self-esteem and a sense of never being good enough. Additionally, I was covering up the dysfunctions in my family. My deepest secrets were certain acts committed by family members which, I feared, would reflect on me and, if discovered, would get me ostracized. My fear was buried so deep that I could not feel it. I lived life numb and frozen inside.
     I was afraid and terrified that others would discover how unworthy I was and I would be rejected. This reflected in all areas of my life and my deep fear of rejection did not allow me to respect myself. I let people walk all over me, the way I had been walked over in my childhood. The only emotion that remained in me was anger and I was not even aware of that.
     As an adult and a parent, this anger came out at the most inappropriate times in the most inappropriate ways, and I repeated the abusive patterns of my family, hurting my children and especially the eldest, my daughter Tatou. I felt very inadequate and helpless as a parent, and anger was my cover.
     Thanks to Divine Mother who gave us the intensives, a year ago in April, Tatou became aware of her own anger and rage towards me because of the way I had treated her. At first, I was in complete denial, totally unaware of what I had done. I could not even remember the events she was describing. Through Divine Mother's guidance and God's grace, I was able to do the self-examination and to get in touch with my own feelings of loneliness, isolation and despair as a child, and with the deep hurt and sense of betrayal I had because my mother never protected me from my father. Then, thanks to the grace, I began to feel for Tatou and to become aware of the hurt and abuse I inflicted on her. I realized that she felt totally abandoned, alone and unprotected as a little girl with no hope to see any change ever, and that she was full of rage because of my lack of understanding and of the unfair and violent treatment I had inflicted on her. I was able to repent (I am still repenting) and our relationship began to heal. Tatou could accept my apologies.
     We started communicating. She can share with me and feel heard, acknowledged and loved. We are now so close, and she is my best friend. My compassion for her is growing and she feels understood. After staying away from Honolulu for eight years because she could not stand being in my home, she said that she is now comfortable in my apartment and that she feels welcome and happy here. She has now totally forgiven me for what happened between us and she is even thankful because, through all this, she and Sudhir, (Tatou's husband), have been introduced to Divine Mother. She wants me to forgive myself and not to hurt myself. Her transformation has allowed me to forgive myself, I can now love myself. We are both very thankful to Divine Mother for this new relationship which is more intimate, loving, truthful and joyful than we could ever imagine. Without Divine Mother's tender guidance every step of the way, none of this could have taken place.
     These changes have transpired into the rest of my life; I can now speak the truth in the moment. Divine Mother has guided me back to myself. I am beginning to like myself and to respect myself. I am getting feedback that I am softer and people around me can feel the love that Divine Mother has poured into my heart.
     Recently, through God's grace and thanks to Divine Mother who has guided me step by step and filled me with courage, I was able to experience my fear: the feeling in the pit of my stomach, the heaviness in my chest and inability to breathe and the trembling in my whole body. God is allowing me to feel again! This is a joyful state after numbness and anger! I can feel the fear: it comes up several times a day. But I am wise to it now, and I can discriminate and not be at its mercy. God is setting me free!
     Through God's grace, I finally understand myself and I can see how I have lived all my life. When I was unable to be right or to have my way, I felt that I was losing control, and that I was going to be found out, and be rejected. I would feel panic deep inside, and to protect myself, a wall of anger or harshness would come up to help me regain control of the situation. I have hurt many, many people that way. I am very sorry to all of them: my children, parents, siblings, friends and co-workers. Also, I now understand my family and why they behaved the way they did, and it was easy to forgive them.
     My heart is overflowing with thankfulness. I am very happy to be able to share this miraculous transformation of my awareness. Praising God is the only way I thank Him for His grace, for giving us Divine Mother who has sacrificed her whole life so that each of us on the path can experience miracles such as these. There is a lot of joy in knowing that, as I am purified, I am becoming able to support Divine Mother better as she carries the Light to the world. Thank You, God!

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