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Tom Farkash 's Testimonial
(from the October 1999 Newsletter)

Tom Farkash of the Florida Spiritual Family  
Tom Farkash of the Florida Spiritual Family  

    I was not a seeker and I did not believe in God. I believed that life was a struggle to survive: kill or be killed. My world was very small and grew tighter and tighter. I made my family my god, and now it was one tiny little struggle competing in conflict with the world. My tight circle was strangling my spirit and the spirit of my wife and two children.
     At the age of five, my mother dug her fingernails into my right forearm and time stopped. I broke with life and love. I pronounced my mother dead in my mind and from that point on, anyone who crossed me was dead, and ceased to exist. I remember that moment filled with shock, anger, pain and sadness, and consciously saying to myself that I will feel nothing for my mother, but total indifference. I remember little else. I moved through life from that point on, nice on the outside, but a phantom and totally empty on the inside, with a bad temper that subsided and popped out from time to time, despite my best efforts.
     In 1991, my parents experienced a massive car wreck. Both were in the hospital (ICU) for two months. My mother had survived chemotherapy and multiple myeloma five years before her accident, just when my son, Ben, was born. At the time of the accident, she was one half way through chemotherapy for Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
     Despite everything, she miraculously continued to survive, and even got off the ventilator after having been on it for over a month. She lived for one year after the accident in horrific pain. My father, always the philosopher with a smile and a handshake and a kick to the pants, (he was a career army officer, chop, chop), suffered severe brain damage from the car accident. My father lost complete independent function and became childlike. He was dependent on others to feed, clothe, bathe, and move him. He lost his ability to speak. The struggle went on for a year when my mother died. At her death, I looked to see if I could feel anything for her, and nothing was there. This complete lack of feelings unnerved me a bit.
     After mom died my little brother, Paul, had been struggling through life self-medicating on alcohol and drugs. Many times I had to pull Paul from scrapes with the law (I am a lawyer by trade), and it grew tiresome. My mom's death and Paul's growing anger towards the man who ran through the stop sign and crashed into my parents' car consumed him. Paul was in deep depression and feeling very sorry for himself. This annoyed me. I could not feel for nor empathize with him. I told Paul that he could go to counseling. When Paul said he just wanted to kill himself, I told him to go ahead and kill your self. I never saw Paul alive again. One month later, I happened to be in Jacksonville, Florida doing a deposition. I am never in Jacksonville, which is a two-hour drive from my home. While in the middle of the deposition, I was interrupted. Paul was dead. I was directed to the Medical Examiner's office to identify his body. One half of his head had been blown off by a shotgun. It was self-inflicted.
     I killed my mother at five. I now had killed my little brother Paul. This was a secret I would take to my grave. How could anyone forgive me? I could never forgive myself. I cannot begin to describe the guilt I felt. Paul and mom were cremated, and their ashes were stored in my closet, haunting me in my own home.
     My brother, Dave, was in Hawaii. He had pressured Paul and me to tell dad, who was fragile and brain damaged from the car wreck, about mom's death. I have tears now while I write this. I struggled against Dave, but finally gave in. Dad must have understood something because he did not eat for over a week after being told of mom's death. There was no way I could or would ever tell dad of Paul's death because I felt that I had killed Paul. I know news of Paul's death would in turn, kill dad. Dave pressured me over the years to tell pop and I resisted. Five years later, Dave came for a visit to Florida. David informed me that he told dad of Paul's death on his own while saying goodbye to dad on his way back to Hawaii. One week later, dad died. I felt that I now had killed them all. They were all cremated and in my closet. I couldn't put them in the ground fast enough to get closure.
     Two months later we had a bit of a family reunion in Washington, D.C. We buried dad and mom in Arlington National Cemetery. They would not take Paul. We brought Paul's urn along anyway to the ceremony. I was sad and full of guilt. David and I brought Paul's ashes back to Florida and spread Paul's ashes in the Gulf of Mexico off Cedar Key. We canoed out in total stillness. There was no wind, no birds, and no noise. It was hot, flat, and calm. The moment we placed Paul's ashes in the waters, life erupted with hundreds of mullet jumping all over, a shark circling, and a light rain began to fall. It was most beautiful.
     One month later, my wife informed me that there was no relationship, no marriage, no love, and no lunch. I finally heard the no lunch part after fourteen years. With no faith there was nothing to hold on to and I did a free fall into the black hole. I became depressed and suicidal. There was nothing to live for. I knew from experience that anything said would not matter to those left behind. Paul had written a note that it was not our fault. I knew my two beautiful children, Ben and Jenny, would feel responsible and I could not put that on them. Despite knowing this, I was spent and could see no end to the pain other than killing myself.
     David was the one person in my family I had not completely cut off, when I could still feel love many years ago. Despite time, distance and separation over the years, and all the negative dynamics and games between us, I could sense love, very faint, but present. David came to Florida and shined the Light. He told me about Divine Mother. He told me to go to Hawaii to meet Divine Mother.
     I went to Hawaii in November 1996, and met Divine Mother and the spiritual family. I was totally spent and had no energy. I was open with my defenses down. I felt a huge outpouring of unconditional love. Divine Mother gave me many one-on-ones. So much Grace! My spirit stirred and arose after slumbering for 41 years. Initially, I was high from the love and went back to Florida. Eventually, I ran out of spiritual food and returned again to Hawaii. Again, so much Love and Light were so freely given to me. I met my Godself well enough to solidly connect. I returned to Florida lifted by love.
     Over time through God's Grace, Divine Mother's guidance and Love, and the love of the spiritual family, I felt safe enough to know that I would not die to go to that space in spirit to see my mother and reconcile with her. My inner conflict with my mother was finally put to rest, clearing the way for love to pour into my heart.
     Now this great life adventure continues. Life is now a joy and change comes along in a constant flow. Anger, sadness, and shut down have all been replaced by gratitude. I cherish every moment with Divine Mother and the spiritual family. Most recently in New Jersey, I had the privilege and opportunity to be with Divine Mother. She gave me so many new awarenesses, which helped to facilitate more inner changes. I became aware of how ingrained judgment is in me. I was able to face and examine my reluctance to communicate feelings. As a result of these changes, I now have a beautiful, loving relationship with my brother, David.
     Life now has meaning. I can feel and share love. My world gets bigger and bigger. All of my relationships have become better and better, especially with my two children. We are getting to know each other. They now have a father who is present for them. All of my inner emptiness has been replaced with such deep gratitude. Thank You, God!




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